When we picked out
Ceillac on our map of the Queyras Regional Park as a possible
destination it was for entirely practical reasons, with an intention
to use it as a motorhome base while we attempted the hiking Tour de
Queyras GR58 which we expected to take 6-8 days. We could have picked
out other bases in the park, but the hiking guide for the tour that
we had seen used Ceillac as a starting point and so, after our
successful cycling recce, we decided to do so as well. Little did we
know how much self reflection, personal growth and learning was lying
just ahead of us or that we would find so much solace from our base
in this peaceful alpine village.
When we decided towalk the Tour de Queyras it was with lofty goals in mind, such as
improving fitness, reconnecting with nature and rediscovering the
peace and tranquillity we remembered from previous hiking tours. We
got so wrapped in the minutiae of planning the trip, weighing out
food portions, digging out the hiking gear we had carried but not
used for so long and imagining what it might be like that we
completely failed to consider whether we were actually fit and well
enough to take on the tour! The fact we hadn't hiked at all for
several months and that we hadn't even worn our brand new boots yet
was pushed to the back of our mind. We were so full of optimism as we
set off early that Monday morning, uphill into the sun, that it was
shattering to find ourselves a little over 24 hours later back at the
motorhome (by bus) having endured a trying day (physically and
emotionally) followed by a terrible night under canvas with a shared
stomach bug really emphasising that something wasn't right in our
attempt.
We really were at
rather a loss, once we had washed and slept and generally tried to
remove the stains of our failed hiking trip. “What do we do now?”
“Where do we go next?”
Our knee jerk
reaction, as it has always been in the past, was to rest up for a day
or two and then move on somewhere new, using the changing scenery of
motorhome touring to continue our pursuit of happiness. And, as we
have discovered many times in the past, we would probably have found
a version of happiness if we had done so in the form of being
distracted from our thoughts, for at least a while. By continuing to
move and experience 'new' places and 'sights' it is easily possible
to distract ourselves from the deeper, more fundamental question of
“what exactly are we looking for?”
Yet this time
something made us stay where we were. Maybe it was an eagerness to
continue the talking and exploration of our relationship we had begun
at Camping de Savel a few weeks before and continued at the camping
at Guillestre, or maybe we were just tired of running away from that
unsettling sense that something wasn't quite right between us and
within ourselves. Either way, as the days flowed after our aborted
hiking attempt we talked and reflected, argued and reconciled and
then argued some more. At times there was significant pain at the
resentment and despair that we felt, other times lightness and
elation at believing we had reached a deeper understanding of what
exactly the 'problem' was. At other times there was just confusion.
It was during
these days that we also began to use the time to individually and
jointly explore new areas exploration, using books and audiobooks
we'd had on board for some time but just hadn't got around to
opening. Perhaps if we had done so sooner they wouldn't have
'clicked' with us, but this time they really did and as we began to
learn about concepts and ideas that we both experienced a great sense
that there was something about these words that resonated with how we
were feeling.
Then things really
came to a head one night (actually on my birthday) in an especially heated argument when we
reached, yet again, that breaking point of should or should we not
continue this journey together. But this time there was a key
difference. Rather than resolving things by analysing past events, we
instead used the tools we had just started exploring and our changing
perspective to start to more deeply come to terms with and forgive
the issues from the past. It was a powerful moment.
So it is that 3
weeks now since arriving in Ceillac we are still here and benefiting
greatly from our time here. We may not have walked the Tour de
Queyras but have instead embarked on a completely new adventure,
dividing our days between talking learning and occasional activities
to let off some stream. All of the connectedness to nature, to each
other and a greater sense of happiness that we set out to find on the
tour we have instead started see is right there all the time, we just
need to learn how to look at things a different way. It still comes
and goes, but we have a new sense of optimism and acceptance of
whatever the future might bring.
Of course we are
still very, very early on this new journey we have begun and a
'journey' is precisely how see it, although unlike other journeys we
have made we're not sure this one has a destination. In fact, it is
in accepting that there is no destination and only a desire to be
more in the moment rather than in painful past memories or fearful
future projections that we have begun to feel more alive.
When we created
this blog, more than a year ago now, we were prompted to add a
sub-heading to the template and casually chose the words “on our
journey back to health and happiness” and we meant them. Yet we
only meant them in one specific sense, that of physical rest and the
pursuit of excitement and adventure which we believed would lead to
the happiness we were searching for. Yet, it is only now that we are
coming to realise how true that sub-heading really is but also how
much more vast the concepts of 'health' and 'happiness' really are.
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